December 3, 2023


Amazing parenting technician

Should I let my gay daughter have a sleepover with a same-sex friend?

4 min read
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Q: How do you recommend managing same-sexual intercourse sleepovers when your 13-12 months-previous daughter identifies as gay? She and her best close friend may possibly be additional than good friends (she’s implied these when I’ve carefully requested), so I do not know how to manage them hanging out on your own, either soon after faculty when no adults are dwelling or in the course of sleepovers when the grownups are asleep.

A: When I very first study this, I started to go down an LGBTQ+ rabbit hole and identified information you could study from (and I will still supply you with means), but that is not what is essential below. This isn’t a issue of “gay” or “straight” sleepovers. This is about two principal problems: your family members values and interaction with your youthful teen.

I am likely to guess that you didn’t expand up with numerous illustrations of how to parent homosexual youth I know I unquestionably did not. I also don’t imagine I would have gotten a question like this eight years in the past, enable on your own two. The landscape of issues for parents when it will come to sleepovers and romance is changing, but never overcomplicate it. Your younger teenager, homosexual or straight, still needs to know what values are crucial in your family, and the accountability is on you to talk them.

1st, sit down with your self and/or your lover or spouse and consider a defeat. Acknowledge that you need to have to reassess your parenting when you head into these teen several years, and fully grasp that there is nothing at all improper with that. You are not anticipated to be ahead of the curve on parenting, for the reason that that’s unachievable.

Let’s as a substitute take into account your relatives values, so you can be a improved communicator with your youthful teen. There are quite a few ways to assess your values, which will modify over time. I propose utilizing the downloadable information “Living Into Our Values” by Brené Brown ( (She also has a podcast episode to educate you how to use the guideline.)

You must also lookup “list of values” on the net, then decide on your leading five. You and your husband or wife do not will need to have matching possibilities, but observing them allows you to examine exactly where you overlap when it comes to your little ones. For occasion, I value independence, and my wife or husband values community, so we would discuss how to bring these jointly. How are we living these values, and how are we transmitting them? To dive deeper into this, look at out the Center for Parenting Education for a lot more routines ( If you are a one mother or father, this exercise is just as critical.

The issue of clarifying your values is this: Teens can odor nonsense a mile absent. If you are running from a place of dread, uncertainty, bias, misinformation or generalized be concerned, you won’t be capable to talk with your teen. Devoid of good values, you will shoot from the hip, make threats, shut down or give up, and that is not parenting from a location of power. Your goal is to raise a healthier younger grownup who values her entire body and sexuality and who has balanced boundaries, so you want to boost discussion that is obvious and collaborative. You for that reason have to do your most effective to kick (some of) your worry to the control.

As for how you deal with this, which is up to you. You can be 100 percent supportive of her identification while also saying: “I’m unpleasant with passionate interests investing the night. But I am supportive with a snooze-below, and we can make that enjoyment.” Or say: “I’m all right with this sleepover, but I would like her to remain in the guest place.” This problem isn’t about your daughter remaining gay, for every se it’s about her maturity and the appropriateness of thrusting her into emotional and actual physical cases that she might not be prepared for.

Regardless of whether you are chatting about owning overnights or hanging out after school, I would suggest possessing an genuine dialogue with your daughter. You can define your worries, then take a minute to pay attention to her. The wonderful news is that she trusts you adequate to have come out, so continue to keep that connection likely. There is no explanation for you to make this choice unilaterally. Make sure you see your daughter as a collaborator.

At last, carry on talking about puberty and sexuality. Yet again, you presently have a connection with her based on rely on (I hope), so look at in with facts, but direct by listening. Our culture is largely primarily based on sex training and anecdotes for people who are cisgender, so think about reaching out for assist from people today this kind of as Uchenna Umeh, a.k.a. Dr. Lulu, a retired pediatrician who specializes in assisting mother and father of LGBTQ+ youth listening to podcasts and buying up textbooks to aid you. Excellent luck.

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